The NBA/basketball is a sport for brothas. No surprise there, but lets not forget the “bros” in the league who draw a couple of fans in Montana, Idaho and South Dakota. When I say bro I’m talking typical fraternity dudes, 2 parents and 2 and a half children households, players from states that we tend to forget about, so on and so forth.
Couple of guidelines with the All-Bro Team.
1st and foremost: 0 tattoos, these were once men of valor who probably majored in Accounting and Finance. Future CFO’s don’t have tattoos.
2. No All Star Game Appearances
3. At least 80% from the free throw line
4. No foreign players (takes the fun out of choosing players). Plus how many frats had Europeans and South Americans?
5. If the player can take @Ice_Bergg_Slim aka Derek Swisher to the cup we can’t include them either.
1. Gonna start this off with everyone’s least favorite college player ever: JJ Redick. I mean you don’t get anymore classic All-American than this guy. 3 point shooter, former Duke star, from the state of Tennessee, barely able to dunk. JJ looks like he had a 3.7 GPA whilst attending Duke University. A pair of Sperry’s and Polo t-shirt to you bro.
6’4″ and this is the dunk you expose us to? “Jonathan Clay Redick”
2. Next we’re gonna go with none other than Kyle Korver. Don’t know the last time I saw Kyle make a layup, his game is all 15ft and out as a result of having ample yard space growing up and a father that rebounded all of his shots. He thrived in Utah but wilted in the urban metropolis of Chicago. That golf picture says it all.
3. No way we could do an All Bro team without including Shane Battier. Its to the point I look at Shane and I don’t know what he is. Yes he looks like me but I never even heard him speak and I know that we are in fact not the same. I really don’t know a single black man who has ever posed like Shane in the picture below smh. You know the frats always got that token Negro right (no disrespect to some of my real n**** just living the life tho)? There you go. Shane the type to get mad white chicks and you don’t even question the method. Now we haven’t even mentioned his game yet. Pretty standard rural game, 3 ball, defense, intensity, scrappy. Yup Shane definitely belongs here.
Just looked up where Shane was from, read Birmingham and almost deleted that paragraph. But Birmingham, Michigan is not the same as Birmingham, AL. Didn’t do any official research on that but I feel like I don’t have to.
The team can’t be complete without a big man, no we won’t include Kevin Love. He doesn’t fit the mold of no All Star Game appearances unfortunately. Would like to throw Chris Mihm on the list but think he’s currently getting his MBA. Birdman tatted up, been in jail, probably fornicates with black women as well so he doesn’t make the cut.
4. So we choose New Hampshire’s own Matthew Robert Bonner. What we have here is another 3 point specialist, key role player, high energy, red hair, 3pt fg percentage leader. I actually think Matt fits the Knicks system but that’s another story for another day.
5. Wait we still have one more slot. Gonna give this one to the veteran Kirk Hinrich. Comes from a state which I can assure you YOU will never step foot in of Iowa. To be honest Kirk doesn’t even play like your typical middle income household player. He’s the only player on the team I wouldn’t want to shoot a 3 pointer. I would expect Kirk to show up at a club in Atlanta before Shane Battier. Actually he’s the lone suburban point guard I can think of that starts in the NBA today so he makes the team off of that merit alone.
There you have it, the All-Bro team. An ode to Natty Lights, Sperry boat shoes, Ray Bans, and future bosses.