The Swish Guide to Basketball Wives

Aight so this post is inspired by a conversation the other day at shorty crib(don’t judge)

Me being who I am, I proceed to pick her brain about various topics of the show. I think it was Nerd that said depending who she sides with helps foreshadow whether she’s a goddess you hope she is, or going down the dark road of heauxism. That happens to be 100% accurate though.

Ladies, as fans of the show, naturally whether y’all like to admit it or not, you ideally aspire/fantasize about being one from time to time. And honestly I can’t knock ya’ll, so we here at Swish came up with a checklist to help ya’ll on your way to the top(no pun intended)
Whether you have the potential, the talent, the grit, and determination to become a basketball wife is dependent on a few key factors. The first step is looking within yourself to see if you got what it takes, and the next step is athlete identification.
What You Need To Look For In Yourself: Do you have….
1. High Tolerance for Backsliding- As a NBA wife you gotta issue a minimum of 3 free lusty cheating experiences to your ballplayer.(Thats 3 different chicks not 3 different times) Add 2 or 3 to that number if your baller husband makes a All-Star Weekend event such as the rookie sophomore game, dunk contest, and or 3pt shootout. (Skills Challenge & Horse not applicable)

2. Culinary Skills- So what your cheese eggs hitting for? Whats your bakery game looking like? If he asks for the mac & cheese do you have to call up mom dukes for guidance?? These are the questions you gotta dig deep and ask yourself. As a Bball Wife frozen meals are completely unacceptable. If you come thru with the Hungry Man meal thinking shit is sweet homie is liable to empty that inside your favorite purse. Nothing worse than coming home from a L and having to drive through Mickey D’s. Word to the wise

3. Pretty Toes- I mean I don’t even know if this is accurate or applies to dudes in the league at all but as a general rule of thumb keep these shits on point ladies. The moment one corn pops up he’s completely justified in cheating on you.

4. Loyalty to Comrades- Overall prosperity as a NBA wife ultimately depends on your ability to call your best friend who you shopped with this morning a smut at the drop of a dime. So if your a chick who prides herself on being loyal to friendships, and doesn’t like dishing dirt for personal gain you might not qualify
What YOU need to look for & Identify:
1. Role Players ONLY- Chicks probably don’t know this but everybody on the show really married a bum ass n**** for the most part. Antoine Walker(Evelyn), Eric Williams(Jenn), Mike Oliwikandi(no clue). These are all whateva whateva type niggas, so essentially, if you looking for a dude that will wife you he can only have 1 skill. Shooter/Defender/Handle, pick one. So don’t think Melo, think Landry, don’t think D Rose, think Kyle Korver, you feel me? Once a n**** has 2 talents he’s only wifing heauxs that graced the cover of Smooth Magazine.
2. Bad Knees & other Career Threatening Injuries- Aight so listen closely, you wanna target players with a strong history of being hurt, so this is going to take a tad bit of investigation. As a bball wife you don’t want to be with a person who has a long career, the longer he plays the longer your road to reality tv/worldstarhiphop stardom is deferred. Ideally you want that ACL to tear like season 6 or 7. Before you know it you’ll be able to confidently say he ain’t shit, divorce em, and wallah vh1 is calling you within a month.

Based on these characteristics we got a couple leads for ya’ll
Iman Shumpert(KNICKS)- he’s out wilding for respect in the NY streets during this lockout, young, country, completely susceptible to the cuff from worthy box

Eddy Curry(KNICKS/Nobody)- career and possibly life soon coming to an end

Anthony Morrow(NETS)-super dark & super country, susceptible to thirst from a worth Jersey bunny, nothing like that down in Georgia

This really like the 10 Crack Commandments for you females out there. Follow these guidelines and you’ll be right on your way to being a ex baller wife in no time. Emphasis on the ex. Ya’ll don’t really give a f*** about divorce anymore anyways ya’ll just have parties. We don’t judge here at Swish tho. Ya’ll be safe out there

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