“Only Fat N**** In The Sauna With Jews” : NBA’s Best Out Of Shape Players


18, 5, & 5….from some fat spanish kid from Connecticut…..worst stat line I ever gave up in my AAU career.   Post work, pull ups,  n*gga had me supreme stress. Got to the point he was putting me on ice before he even got the rock. Most humbling experience of my life still bar none.

In a sport where athleticism is king, its ill when out of shape dudes come in and break the mold. Very few out of shape dudes make it, but when they do, its like an added glow to their game that’s really unf*ckwitable. So here’s this Swish compliation, of the NBA’s Top Active Fat Players:


Paul Pierce – During the 09 Finals n*gga was moving on my TV so slowly I was positive I could check him myself. But the fish grease aura wouldn’t allow Kobe, Ariza or anybody else in the League to stop Piru that year. The key to Paul’s longevity is never having any muscle definition, its a natural deception. Everytime you play him you think he’s washed, and can’t play defense like you really want to. Genius.


Zach Randolph – My guy Z-Bo, aka Eddie Winslow aka, The NBA James Toney. Clear cut example of being fat > being in shape in the NBA was Z-Bo ho’ing Blake Griffin in the first round of the playoffs this year.  All he’s concerned with is giving you 20 & 10 with as little movement as possible. And even when you give Zach work back it doesn’t really count cause he’s fat. That, PLUS you won’t fight him after the game.


Deron Williams – It’s no good food in Utah, which is why we probably saw Deron’s prime there. Fast forward to Brooklyn, where literally every type of food is within a 4 block radius, and Deron was looking like the Ghost of Heavy D at Barclay’s. But the 2nd half of last year it seemed like D-Will embraced his new found fat talent. And barring injury, he should have a MVP type of season this year.


Ray Felton – My guy “Fat Ray Felt” as some Knicks fans I know have coined him. When I saw him come into camp out of shape last season I knew he was gonna have a great year. All he wants to do is throw alleys, cross n*ggas, and shoot high school floaters. Which is precisely why a lot of Knicks fans want his head,


Demarcus “Boogie” Cousins – The reason I know Dwight Howard was never meant to be the best center is cause you not supposed to be that big and still be in shape. His shoulders way too brolic to pull off the shoulder fakes Shaq, Patrick, & Barkley used to make. It’s not natural and it takes away from your skill set. Enter “Boogie”. Out of shape, disrespectful, with a full arsenal of get money moves in the post. Once he realizes life isn’t a game, he should be primed to be the best center in the league.

Oklahoma City Thunder v San Antonio Spurs - Game One

Boris Diaw – We probably saw LeBron’s biggest struggle ever against 1 on 1 defense in the Finals this year, and it was cause he couldn’t maneuver against the fat man aura. Boris came over from that Spurs trade weighing in the 260-280 range, and Pop’s genius didn’t have him shed a pound. That’s why I’m positive Coach Pop reads these blogs in the locker room.


Draymond Green – Going to end this list with one of Swish’s favorite players in the league right now. He’s cut from the Anthony Mason cloth, husky dude with no position and no jumper really, but still live nonetheless. I’m sure no coach besides Mark Jackson would have ever gave him minutes in the NBA, you gotta have a different kind of basketball sense to realize how effective Dray is. Swish logic for sure.



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